Postcards from Camp: UCornn Huskers

Bobby Sansone, Senior Writer

August 13, 2012

Postcards from Camp


Kevin Sansone and the Huskers' wild training camp all started with a phone call...

"You won't believe this," Steve started on the other end.

"What? What is it?" Kevin asked.

"Rotoworld is screwing your player out of two rushing yards."

"Arian Foster?" Kevin guessed.

"Yep. They have him listed with 1,224 yards last year instead of the 1,226 that you and me both counted," Steve said in disbelief.

Rotoworld "I am SO disappointed with you right now, Rotoworld"

"That's outrageous! Why aren't they counting that two yard run in Week 16!?! They clearly got the play off before the delay of game flag!!!" Kevin exclaimed as he went over to his computer to verify.

"I know. It's outrageous. I've tried calling Rotoworld letting them know of this error and they just blew me off. How can they expect us to trust a website that can't even get its statistics right?!?" Steve said.

"This is worse than Jon taking two seasons to get LeGarrette Blount's photo up on his player profile."

"Way worse," Steve agreed. "We need to do something about this. I've already tried hacking into Rotoworld's servers but I couldn't get in."

"Yeah. I'm sure we're not the first to try to hack those servers. Those football stats are worth millions. We're just going to have to get more creative," Kevin said as he opened up his bureau drawer and pulled out a black ski mask.

"What do you have in mind?" a curious Steve asked.

"We're going to break-in to Rotoworld's headquarters," Kevin said as an evil grin spread across his face.

"I'm in. But I can't do it tonight. I have a family trip to Toots," Steve said.

"Fine. Tomorrow night it is. After One Tree Hill, of course," Kevin said as he booted up his DVR to get caught up on last week's episode.

Steve and Kevin met outside Rotoworld's headquarters the following night. Still distraught over the incorrect rushing yards total for Arian Foster, the two mapped out a plan to break-in to Rotoworld's headquarters, get on to the server and correct the rushing yards total themselves.

"Alright, here is the plan," Kevin said as he rolled out a map of the floor plan and turned on his flashlight. "I went inside earlier today pretending to be Bob Costas' long lost son. The secretary didn't buy it, but she at least let me use the bathroom. I left the bathroom window cracked open so we could get in tonight," Kevin said while pointing to the bathroom window.

"Jack Bauer would be impressed," Steve responded.

Aaron Rodgers?

Once inside, the guys made their way to the top floor and were mesmerized by Rotoworld's vast fantasy sports memorabilia collection.

"Steve, look! There's Shawn Alexander's cleats from his 5 touchdown game on Sunday Night Football!"

"Kev, look over there! There's Drew Brees' jock strap from his 6 touchdown game!!"

"This place is awesome! I feel like it's Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, but for middle-aged guys!"

"Hey, you go ahead. I've got one thing I've been meaning to do for a long time," Steve said. "I'm going to find Evan Silva's office and pee on his keyboard."

"You're disgusting," Kevin replied.

"I'm still mad at him for over-hyping Mike Bell in the 2006 Fantasy Draft Guide," Steve said as he unzipped his pants.

"Hold up," Kevin said as he looked to a large office in the corner. "There's a light on."

Suddenly a black silhouette appeared and yelled out, "Stop. Hold it right there!"

Steve and Kevin froze and held up their hands, but they still could not make out the dark figure.

Slowly the lights came on and the figure emerged.

"Holy crap... Mike Kinsman?" Steve said in disbelief.

"Yes, it's me guys. Welcome to my company. Next time, use the front door. It's always unlocked."

"What the hell? You own Rotoworld? But you HATE Rotoworld!" Kevin said.

"Yes, I bought Rotoworld years ago before anyone knew about it. I mean, what an ingenious idea! Just assemble a bunch of sports nerds and have them share their fantasy thoughts to obsessed fantasy nuts like the two of you and make millions."

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Steve asked.

The Game I don't care about the money.
I'm pulling back the curtain.
I want to meet the wizard.

"I thought it would be a conflict of interests with my fantasy ownership in the YFFL. So, I told everyone I worked as a salesman at Cigna. Pretty good cover, huh? I don't know a damn thing about health insurance." Mike laughed as he poured himself a glass of scotch.

"Steve, I'd love to have you come and work for me, but I hear you are becoming a stay-at-home Dad. That is great. I am happy for you," Mike said as he swiveled in his chair.

"I can hold of on that for another year," Steve responded.

"And miss that precious time with Brynn? I couldn't let that happen," Mike said.

"And Kevin, I'd give you a job if you could turn the Huskers around. When was the last time they were good? 2001?" Mike asked.

"I'm working on it, Mike. I'll have them in the playoffs this year," Kevin responded.

Mike went on to tell Kevin and Steve about the some of the greatest secrets in YFFL history...

"The real reason Aceto missed the draft two years ago? I needed him to cover for me here. There were three preseason games that night and I couldn't risk getting caught. So he took the blame, missed the draft and blogged all the updates from the preseason that night," Mike explained.

"Aceto's in on it? How come him and not me?" Steve wondered as he threw up his hands in disbelief.

"And Chris' absence from the league the last few years... I hired him to oversee my social media department," Mike continued.

"Oh Come On! Chris is in on it too and not us?!?" Kevin said in disbelief.

"Sorry, guys. You two are the epitome of who I built this site for. If you knew about this, I'd lose a significant amount of business. Now come on, I'll get you some souvenir pens and coffee mugs and give you a ride home."


Kevin won't be working at Rotoworld next year.

4-7; 467 points; 4th NFC West