Since the boss is threatening to demote me to assistant to the GM after the early season Llama returns, I thought it was time to show I know something about football so he lets me start setting the lineups again. I also never turned in my preseason predictions, but maybe I can get partial credit by turning them in now. So let's look around the league and see who's in and who's out come playoff time.
AFC Outlook
AFC East
Unlike the Washington Snyders, the Asian Orangutangs saw the downside of a racially insensitive name years ago. Karma has rewarded them in 2014 with a weak division and a wide open path to the playoffs. With steady play from his Cowboys, a throwback season from formerly washed up Antonio Gates and solid contributions from his role players, the Tangs are thinking playoffs. Rumor has it that Jon is so confident he plans to keep unemployed kicker Nate Freese on the roster as a human victory cigar. As former Husker Julius Thomas would say, "it's so f***in' easy!"
Foles or Rivers? Kurt has made all the right moves in what looked like a toss-up heading into the season.
In the rest of the division, the Llamas are too young, the Bear won't be able to overcome early QB play, and the Refugees are contractually obligated to go 7-6. All of these teams should start thinking about next year, since the Wild Card is probably coming out of the AFC West. Anybody want Demarco Murray?
AFC West
This is the kind of play the so-called "experts" in the YFFL mainstream media thought we would see in the NFC West with its big name QBs. Instead, we have GM Kurt Willette and the Eaters wisely jumping from Foles to Rivers at just the right time, and the Stupor Bowl Champion Thugs enjoying Andrew Luck's breakout season to sit atop the division. And we haven't even gotten to the Buddies and Peyton Manning, who is singlehandedly capable of getting the Buddies into the playoffs even with Doug Martin on the roster. It's a shame that one of these teams will be out in the cold come playoff time. In the end, the Eaters eke out the division thanks to superior receivers and the Thugs are back in the lottery.
Oh, Ludke's Merry Men are also in this division, and they are a team that has 3 QBs, 3 TEs and 1 Alfred Blue. That's the extent of my analysis for this team. While I'm here though, who the F is Ludke? Is he a Nazi era German serial killer? Is he a deep sleeper in the 2020 draft? Is he a former president of the Structural Engineers Association of Northern California? Whoever he is, he needs to hire a GM to help with roster composition and team branding.
Predictions
AFC East Champs: Orangutangs
AFC West Champs: Eaters
AFC Wild Card: Buddies
NFC Outlook
NFC East
Not much to talk about here, as Jon's other Asian-inspired franchise the Snapping Dragons looks likely to coast into the playoffs after a 5-1 start and put him in the driver's seat for OOY. The Big Boys have the Atlanta backfield locked up, but unfortunately that's like locking up the Dolphins passing attack (checks Llamas roster, shakes head sadly). Things have not been "so f***in' easy" for Thomas's new franchise, mainly because of injury issues for Megatron and CJ Spiller's continued disappearing act.
The Chickens could have started The Icebox from Little Giants and she would have gone for 84 yards, 2 TDs and a 2-point conversion
As for the White Guys, well, maybe the weed Peterson is smoking while out on bail will help with his temper, if not his decision making. My guess is Aceto may also have been under the influence when he put Bradford on IR rather than putting him on Waiver Island (incidentally Steve is now trying to buy a timeshare on Waiver Island after he saw it mentioned in a Rotoworld article).
NFC West
The Chickens are once again in the driver's seat in the NFC West, but they look more beatable than they have in years past. Early on it appeared whatever garbage Nick plugged into the lineup at RB2 would score 3 TDs, but the Midas touch has left him in the past couple weeks. The Brothers appear to have the best chance to right the ship with 1st rounder Odell Beckham Jr. back from injury and Tim Wright looking like a savvy waiver pick to shore up the TE situation alongside the top tier talent on this team. One team that will not be righting the ship is the Beans, even after a surprising win over the juggernaut that is the Hoochie Llamas. After spending a decade listening to DC sports talk radio, I can tell you definitively that having 5 players from the boys in Maroon and Black is not a recipe for success. Finally, The Huskers are The U of the YFFL, with more suspensions and arrests per capita than Lewiston/Auburn. Kev might want to call it a season and dangle a QB for picks, as long as he doesn't draft next year's Cordarelle Patterson, who is this year's Tavon Austin, who is last year's news. Or something like that.
Predictions
NFC East Champs: Dragons
NFC West Champs: Chickens
NFC Wild Card: Brothers